Throughout my life I have gone through many appearance changes and jobs as I have tried to figure out who I really am, to be comfortable in my own skin like many others have also done. But during some of those times when I was pretty happy with my life and looks it seems that I have been made to apologize just for being me and being looked up to by my younger selves that I occasionally ran into by their parents or guardians. I am a people pleaser by nature, I want people to accept me for how I am, it really is an unhappy way to be. I don't like to look like others and I don't think we should be fitted into these cookie cutter roles, this actually doesn't get any easier with age either like I thought it would. And living in the buckle of the Bible belt really makes it more difficult to be "different" and accepted. So these are just a few times in my life where I kind of apologized for being me but I didn't mean it and I still wonder what happened to some of the people I have met in passing and what kind of people they turned into and how hard their journey has been knowing we are "different" in a state that wants every one to be the same. A bunch of middle class, christian, neutral colored clothing wearing, with average colored hair and styles, and smiling faces.
The first time this happened that I remember I was 18 years old and a cashier at a new Wal Mart Grocery store in Moore, Oklahoma. In those days we didn't have to wear whole uniforms we all had a green vest to wear over our normal clothes. I was an early 2000s punk, I had twisted jelly bracelets up both arms, huge chunky platform boots and maroon colored hair with pink streaks running through it. I was happy with my looks which was a breakthrough in my life. A day came when a mother and her probably barely a teen daughter came through my line. They were talking about the changes this girl wanted in her own looks and she pointed at me and said, "HER!"" I want that hair, I want to dress different, and how do you do your bracelets like that?" The mother's mouth was hanging open and stuttering, I could tell she was mortified but didn't want to insult me to my face either. I found myself trying to talk myself down to this girl so her mother could be happy without saying it herself and causing any fighting with her daughter in the store. Though I did show her the bracelet trick that I found myself doing a tutorial for in that job with a lot of teens and young adults. The mother smiled as I told the girl how difficult it could be in life and looking for jobs with unnatural colored hair and thanked me as they left. The girl I could tell hadn't given up though and still wanted to do what she wanted and I silently wished her good luck in my mind. Another little me running around in high school in the future, just fine by me. Looks don't make the person.
Now, fast forward some years and I had finally got to mark learning to bartend off my bucket list. I learned a new more toned down look, for me anyway that my own mother and I both were okay with, I loved my job. Sure I was living in the Bible Belt and my bartending in a Gentlemen's Club is looked down upon by the majority here. But I was really respected at my job, I was making really good money and I had a fun roommate who also worked at the club and cool neighbors we hung out with a lot. I got treated like a little local celebrity cause everyone wants to buddy up with the bartender when they drink and I got visited by real local celebrities and a few bigger ones when they were in town. My mom and stepdad had been working for the same company for some years and he was retiring so there was a party thrown for him. I went to the retirement party at this restaurant and I was seated across from a really nice Christian woman who I had met a few times with my mom. This woman had taken in her nieces and nephews and was raising them and brought them with her to the party. She asked me what I was doing for a job and so I told her, it was obvious she became uneasy with the topic at hand. Her older teen nephews eyes lit up and he started asking me a ton of questions about how awesome it was to be a bartender and how could he get into that line of work when he was old enough and how that was his dream job. So here I was again, she was trying to talk him out of it and asking me leading questions to do the same. Like how the money isn't guaranteed, it's not really a safe environment to work, it's a smoky place with bad ventilation and drunks can be mean and crazy. I wanted to say no, it's good money and I don't do anything illegal or drink while working, the owner there is actually really strict and fires anyone who is caught doing something illegal and it's really fun and I love it. But I held all that in and told whatever negatives I could think of and I got another silent thank you mouthed to me from another "parent." Though after that conversation it just made me feel stressed, a little down and unsure of what I could say, like I was in a test without the answers. I started staring at the bar right off to the side of our seating area. I resisted the temptation to get myself a little mixed drink for my mom, not that I was one of those who get embarrassing when having a drink. But because I was still kinda in my early 20s, at that point hadn't had an alcoholic drink around my mom and I was worried doing that would be disappointing to her. Pretty sure though once I got home I had one of my fav. fruity Jack Daniels malt beverage.
This instance isn't exactly like the others cause I didn't have anyone actually telling me or acting like I was doing something wrong or being a bad influence, I did have that same feeling however like before. It may have been up to a year later, not sure on the time frame but I was still at the bartending job and still having a good time. Though the family was going through a heartbreaking time, myself included in losing our "rock", my mom's mother and my Grandma. Everyone gathered to our home town for the funeral and to spend a couple days mourning as a family. I drove my own car down and myself along with a lot of the younger generation, my cousins all gathered for the night at my cousin Hollie's house. We stopped at the local liquor store down there and got what we could of what looked good, me being the bartender we were looking to mix a few drinks to wind down. So as we do, some of us had a few drinks, and most of us stayed up way too late into the night talking and sharing stories. Our baby cousin who wasn't a baby anymore was with me for our drives since she had rode down with her parents. It's kinda funny how we really only see each other for family events and we both color our hair frequently and uniquely but many times when we see each other we have similar colors and styles going on. During our time there, the boss I had called to check up on me a few times and asked me what could he do to help me. I said he could help me catch up on a bill and he did and even though we hadn't gone on a date or even talked about it I told my cousin I was going to marry him. I worried though that the lifestyle I was leading would look appealing to her and she would follow in my footsteps or attempt to, I guess after hearing it so much I felt like I shouldn't be a person to look up to. Her parents and my mom had both told me that she did look up to me though, but now it's kind of like I look up to her. She did do a few things in her life that were close to my own attempts of certain accomplishments that I didn't complete for whatever reasons and she did it. I am very proud of that young lady and all she has done with her life.
Right now it seems like I am at a stand still in my life and I am still trying to figure out exactly where I could fit in and have a happy life. I have my babies though and I am living for them, I may not be a role model now but that doesn't mean that I won't be a good one for someone some day. That all the changes I have been through and difficulties won't some day prove to actually leading me to somewhere wonderful. Where I will hold my head high and not feel the need to apologize to anyone for any part of me.
