Sorry, I'm not Sorry.

Throughout my life I have gone through many appearance changes and jobs as I have tried to figure out who I really am, to be comfortable in my own skin like many others have also done. But during some of those times when I was pretty happy with my life and looks it seems that I have been made to apologize just for being me and being looked up to by my younger selves that I occasionally ran into by their parents or guardians. I am a people pleaser by nature, I want people to accept me for how I am, it really is an unhappy way to be. I don't like to look like others and I don't think we should be fitted into these cookie cutter roles, this actually doesn't get any easier with age either like I thought it would. And living in the buckle of the Bible belt really makes it more difficult to be "different" and accepted. So these are just a few times in my life where I kind of apologized for being me but I didn't mean it and I still wonder what happened to some of the people I have met in passing and what kind of people they turned into and how hard their journey has been knowing we are "different" in a state that wants every one to be the same. A bunch of middle class, christian, neutral colored clothing wearing, with average colored hair and styles, and smiling faces.
     The first time this happened that I remember I was 18 years old and a cashier at a new Wal Mart Grocery store in Moore, Oklahoma. In those days we didn't have to wear whole uniforms we all had a green vest to wear over our normal clothes. I was an early 2000s punk, I had twisted jelly bracelets up both arms, huge chunky platform boots and maroon colored hair with pink streaks running through it. I was happy with my looks which was a breakthrough in my life. A day came when a mother and her probably barely a teen daughter came through my line. They were talking about the changes this girl wanted in her own looks and she pointed at me and said, "HER!"" I want that hair, I want to dress different, and how do you do your bracelets like that?" The mother's mouth was hanging open and stuttering, I could tell she was mortified but didn't want to insult me to my face either. I found myself trying to talk myself down to this girl so her mother could be happy without saying it herself and causing any fighting with her daughter in the store. Though I did show her the bracelet trick that I found myself doing a tutorial for in that job with a lot of teens and young adults. The mother smiled as I told the girl how difficult it could be in life and looking for jobs with unnatural colored hair and thanked me as they left. The girl I could tell hadn't given up though and still wanted to do what she wanted and I silently wished her good luck in my mind. Another little me running around in high school in the future, just fine by me. Looks don't make the person.
     Now, fast forward some years and I had finally got to mark learning to bartend off my bucket list. I learned a new more toned down look, for me anyway that my own mother and I both were okay with, I loved my job. Sure I was living in the Bible Belt and my bartending in a Gentlemen's Club is looked down upon by the majority here. But I was really respected at my job, I was making really good money and I had a fun roommate who also worked at the club and cool neighbors we hung out with a lot. I got treated like a little local celebrity cause everyone wants to buddy up with the bartender when they drink and I got visited by real local celebrities and a few bigger ones when they were in town. My mom and stepdad had been working for the same company for some years and he was retiring so there was a party thrown for him. I went to the retirement party at this restaurant and I was seated across from a really nice Christian woman who I had met a few times with my mom. This woman had taken in her nieces and nephews and was raising them and brought them with her to the party. She asked me what I was doing for a job and so I told her, it was obvious she became uneasy with the topic at hand. Her older teen nephews eyes lit up and he started asking me a ton of questions about how awesome it was to be a bartender and how could he get into that line of work when he was old enough and how that was his dream job. So here I was again, she was trying to talk him out of it and asking me leading questions to do the same. Like how the money isn't guaranteed, it's not really a safe environment to work, it's a smoky place with bad ventilation and drunks can be mean and crazy. I wanted to say no, it's good money and I don't do anything illegal or drink while working, the owner there is actually really strict and fires anyone who is caught doing something illegal and it's really fun and I love it. But I held all that in and told whatever negatives I could think of and I got another silent thank you mouthed to me from another "parent." Though after that conversation it just made me feel stressed, a little down and unsure of what I could say, like I was in a test without the answers. I started staring at the bar right off to the side of our seating area. I resisted the temptation to get myself a little mixed drink for my mom, not that I was one of those who get embarrassing when having a drink. But because I was still kinda in my early 20s, at that point hadn't had an alcoholic drink around my mom and I was worried doing that would be disappointing to her. Pretty sure though once I got home I had one of my fav. fruity Jack Daniels malt beverage.
     This instance isn't exactly like the others cause I didn't have anyone actually telling me or acting like I was doing something wrong or being a bad influence, I did have that same feeling however like before. It may have been up to a year later, not sure on the time frame but I was still at the bartending job and still having a good time. Though the family was going through a heartbreaking time, myself included in losing our "rock", my mom's mother and my Grandma. Everyone gathered to our home town for the funeral and to spend a couple days mourning as a family. I drove my own car down and myself along with a lot of the younger generation, my cousins all gathered for the night at my cousin Hollie's house. We stopped at the local liquor store down there and got what we could of what looked good, me being the bartender we were looking to mix a few drinks to wind down. So as we do, some of us had a few drinks, and most of us stayed up way too late into the night talking and sharing stories. Our baby cousin who wasn't a baby anymore was with me for our drives since she had rode down with her parents. It's kinda funny how we really only see each other for family events and we both color our hair frequently and uniquely but many times when we see each other we have similar colors and styles going on. During our time there, the boss I had called to check up on me a few times and asked me what could he do to help me. I said he could help me catch up on a bill and he did and even though we hadn't gone on a date or even talked about it I told my cousin I was going to marry him. I worried though that the lifestyle I was leading would look appealing to her and she would follow in my footsteps or attempt to, I guess after hearing it so much I felt like I shouldn't be a person to look up to. Her parents and my mom had both told me that she did look up to me though, but now it's kind of like I look up to her. She did do a few things in her life that were close to my own attempts of certain accomplishments that I didn't complete for whatever reasons and she did it. I am very proud of that young lady and all she has done with her life.
     Right now it seems like I am at a stand still in my life and I am still trying to figure out exactly where I could fit in and have a happy life. I have my babies though and I am living for them, I may not be a role model now but that doesn't mean that I won't be a good one for someone some day. That all the changes I have been through and difficulties won't some day prove to actually leading me to somewhere wonderful. Where I will hold my head high and not feel the need to apologize to anyone for any part of me. 

Why I just love my friends

Everyone has their own quirks that make them unique in certain ways and other things that lump them into social circles. I have truly been blessed for the most part in the friend department. I am really bad at ending any relationships on my own so I am happy that those that don't deserve my friendship have pretty much weeded themselves out of my life. The friends I have now are amazing in so many ways, there is no way I could name them all. But here is what I look for in my friends and have found in them.
      Honesty is my number one thing. Whenever I know someone has lied to me, even about little things I just don't want to be around them anymore. Like if you haven't left your house yet when we have plans then don't text me you are on your way. I am a very understanding person so there really is never a reason to lie to me. Even when I am mad about something I am the type who will listen to your side and try to talk it out.
     Nonjudgmental is my number two! I had a "friend" who I hung out with for years but any time I did something that wasn't "her way" she would get pissed at me and act so childish. Refusing to answer my calls, texts, or facebook but then she would text me like page after page of chewing me out cause she didn't think I should have done something the way I did. She was always on my ass about something so to avoid hearing the same gripes about what I need to change about myself I felt I had to break my number one rule and lie a little to get her off my back. When she ended our friendship out of the blue I was really hurt for a while and even still I have teared up while reading her "dear john" email she sent me cause she couldn't even be  bothered to tell me personally that she didn't want to see or hear from me again after hanging out for seven years. But once the hurt subsided I realized I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, her constantly watching my every move and questioning me on my finances even though it wasn't like she ever helped me with bills or anything I always believed that is not the place of a friend. A friend should be there for you and accept the totality of what makes you, you. Still it's a hard concept for too many people.
     Next is having your own opinions! Of course when looking for a friend you want to have some things in common with the person, but that doesn't mean it has to be everything! I have met some people in the past that you can just tell they really, really want to be your friend for some reason. Whether they think you are so cool, nice, pretty, can help them out in some way, or just really lonely. I call those people "yes men" cause it doesn't matter what you are saying they are gonna agree with you. Most of your conversations go like me: blah blah blah    Them: Really?! Me too!! and in your mind you are thinking there is no way this person has done and thought the same exact thing as me this many times. Why are they sucking up to me? I am not all that. But on the same note when my friends do have a different opinion from mine they can back up their reasons for why they think that way. Whether it be personal history, actual links to sites where they had read up on whatever, or maybe just something their family has taught them so it's just accepted that way. And they present themselves in a way that can be taken seriously but doesn't put down a person that doesn't believe the same way. I just love that!
     Also, you gotta have an interesting personality! Something about you just has to pop! Are you really into movies, like me? That's my thing, I used to have an extensive movie collection and love certain actors and finding B movies that are awesome but didn't get the recognition it deserved and then having every friend who hangs out watch it with me. You could be into books, comics, history, tattoos, piercings, vintage and pin up stuff, weird and sick stuff online, or whatever.. I really am not picky as long as you are not a bore.
     Finally, you have to be intelligent and compassionate. I have helped and fed the homeless I have met at gas stations or walmart. I have given away clothes and toys without expecting anything in return. I love animals and the dogs I have had were rescues. If you need someone to help with something and I can then I will, I won't say I am busy when I am not, I won't ignore phone calls or texts of someone asking if they can talk to me, and if I have money to loan then I won't give a second thought to handing it over to someone in need. For the intelligent part, all those stupid pass it on things on facebook, I actually google whatever it is first most times and make sure it's not fraud before I will pass anything on to my fb friends. Missing children and pets sure if it looks recent and legit. All those "warnings" like tell all women you know about this new thing people are doing to do whatever to them.. all and I mean ALL of those I have found to be nothing more than old urban legends that get passed around as a true story every couple of years. The owners of Facebook have come out numerous times saying that all those pics asking you to like or share so whoever will have money donated to them thru facebook is false! The owners have come out and said that they will never use fb to do donations for anyone. The people who start those are stealing pictures of others without permission and then asking you to like or share cause you can get paid by facebook if you have a public run site if you get so many likes and shares then different companies can pay you to advertise on your page. So there ya go!

You Know You Are A Parent of A Toddler When..

* Hearing your ABC's and counting gets you excited.
* You have learned not to just hold out your hand when you are asked to hold something but ask more than once, What is it? and Why do I need to hold it?
* You know more about Nick Jr. cartoons than what is going on in the real world.
* When shopping for a movie you go straight to the cartoon area first.
* Your snacks are now in shapes and colors.
* Your guest blanket is SpongeBob or Dora.
* You collect the Pixar cartoons just so when the kids want to watch a movie together there is something you can both enjoy. (Thank you Pixar for all your hidden adult jokes!)
* You have more sippy cups than regular ones.
* You have learned to block out annoying noises and may not even realize you are doing it.
* You have an area in your home with boxes full of clothes labeled, last year or next year with seasons.
*  You have kids songs mixed in on your playlists.
* You have fruit flavored tooth paste in your cabinet.
* You have had a guest sleep on a toddler bed or bed that is only a couple inches from the floor.
* It now takes twice as long to get ready to go anywhere public and as you grab things you will need to bring with you, you occasionally throw a toy in there.
* When doing laundry you also check to see if any stuffed animals need a bath.
* Your vacuum cleaner contains more crumbs that dirt or hair.
* You clean your home by picking which room is the messiest first and by the time you are done cleaning you need to start all over.
* Only you know which baskets or piles of clothes are clean or dirty.
* Your kids are better dressed than you are.
* You leave your bathroom door open when showering or going potty. (You now also call it "going potty.")
* You will wait until you really need to bathe before hopping into a quick shower.
* You judge your time getting ready with does it need to be spent cleaning your self or make up today?
* You use the kids meal times to return phone calls or emails so there will be less disruptions.
* Your living room has a toy box or play area in it.
* You mute or spell your own cuss words.
* You keep your nails trimmed down to a length that can't harm people.
* You have gone a period of time without noticing a stain on your clothes, food on you, or even poop!
* You have asked multiple times, "Where did your pants go?!?"
* Two words, BABY WIPES!
* Before putting a dvd in the player you check it for finger prints, scratches and sticky spots.
* Your electronics life expectancies have gone down by half.
                And
* You consider it a WIN for the day when you can go to bed early!

The Shades of Grey in Parenting.

     There are so many "shades of grey" when you are a parent, especially if you have children that are the opposite sex of which you grew up watching your own parents raise. No one can fully prepare you for what you face when raising little people. Besides all the normal stuff of just keeping them alive and healthy there are always little things that just happen, and you have to guess what the right course of action is and you will most likely not have any extra time to post, text, or call anyone and ask their opinions on what they think you should do. My kids father and I had several things we didn't agree on when it came to raising our own, there were also things we agreed on fully. We decided we hated it when people "baby talk" babies. It really doesn't do anything for the child either. We agreed also that we were not going to over censor what they watched on tv. As in we didn't gauge our movies by the rating but more in how our son reacted to the movie or our own issues with a kid watching it. They can watch scary movies as long as it doesn't scare them, they can watch the "super hero, comic type" movies that are rated for over 13 yr olds as long as they don't repeat any adult language and they get grounded from them if they are caught doing the fighting moves with anyone else. They also have their own collection of Nick Jr. dvds, Elmo, and all the other little kiddie stuff too, which is what they mostly watch now and just on occasion watch the others.
      Besides movies you have to decide mostly by your child's age on how much you tell them when they ask those normal questions all children will ask at some point. What route do you take? How graphic or fairy tale are your answers? I decided to just go with the truth, my almost 6 year old asks a question and I give him the best and shortest answer that comes to mind. The thing though is that he remembers everything! He couldn't hear right for the first 3 1/2 years of his life so about half of his short life. With what his Dr. said he was hearing like he was under water so his speaking didn't sound like english words but half words and half babble speak. Besides his dad and I, my mom could understand the most of what he was trying to say. I was never one of those parents though that pretend they always knew what their child was saying to them when not actually using words, another thing that bugs me. haha
     So anyway, the other day we walked to our little corner store and the man behind us in line was holding a case of beer. I personally have only had two drinks of alcohol at home since he has been born and both times was when he was asleep so he really has no concept of alcohol. He asks the man behind us what he was holding and the man told him beer. He instantly replies, "Ohh that means you are going to get drunk!" I gave my little embarrassed laugh and the guy asks me after he stops laughing himself, "Where did he hear that?" I told him, well, he asks me a lot of questions and I always tell him the truth. And he remembers E-V-E-R-Y-thing! So on our way home I reminded my boy that even though Mommy always tell you the truth about everything that you ask it doesn't mean that you should repeat those things to others. A lot of people  don't tell their kids these things and think that kids really shouldn't know that stuff yet. But he's my son and I just love everything about his little smart self so I am not holding my breath on what he says to family or strangers next.

10 Things we aren't supposed to notice in movies but I always do..

1. Food disappearing/reappearing from shot to shot.

2. Dinner scenes of multiple people not eating anything from full plates.

3. All windows being rolled down in car scenes even when it's supposed to be freezing outside.

4. Wardrobes not being weather appropriate. "Where is your coat, numbnuts?"

5. Smokers whose cigarettes mysteriously grow longer.

6. Disheveled after sex scene clothing and hair magically fixed.

7. Along those same lines, dirty, messy, or soaking wet actors also getting clean or dry as soon as camera pans away and then back to them.

8. Movies with "magic" scenes that show strings or other movie magic fails.

9. Time lapse fails that are obvious, example: In "Scot Pilgrim Vs. the World" when the girl has blue dyed hair and it goes from dark blue to really faded blue to dark blue again. 

10. Scenes with supposed to be hard props, like ice/icicles, knives, swords and you see it bend like rubber or waves with a breeze or a small amount of weight. lol

Bar drinking Tips from your friendly Bartender!

1. Normal amount of liquor in OKC strip clubs that have the attractive dancers are around 1 oz. In regular OK bars it averages around 1 1/2 oz and the average for everywhere else is around 2 oz. 
2. Alcohol dehydrates you, so yes, while water is important to put back into your body if you do it while drunk or hungover you are rehydrating the alcohol still in your system, so making it more likely to get the spins and puking.
3. A cold soda will actually help make your head feel less intoxicated than coffee or water. The carbonation gets you burping out the alcohol and really will make your head feel more clear.
4. No matter what you drink or eat when being drunk nothing but time actually makes you sober. 
5. If you chill your liquor  by shaking with ice, your cup will need a little more room than before to go back into your glass. 
6. You can freeze fruits like grapes, strawberries, and orange pieces to use as ice to keep your drinks cold and not get watered down.
7. Tipping per round instead of waiting at the end, especially when paying with cash is a good way to ensure you are checked on more frequently by your server which is a helpful hint when at a crowded bar. 
8. It is not only against most club rules but is also illegal to take photos inside a strip club, even if you are just trying to take pictures of your buddies. You need to remember and be respectful that not all or probably even half of dancers tell their friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, or family members that stripping is how they pay their bills. Most will tell others they are waitresses or bartenders.
9. Strippers are not made to wear "pasties" to just "cover" their nipples. This is enforced legally in most areas because women's nipples can excrete a clear fluid so the pores must be sealed to keep any "passing of bodily fluids" between patrons and dancers, which is illegal. Just like a dancer can get a prostitution charge in Oklahoma for removing their shoes when on their shift.
10. Finally, bartenders, especially ones without a free pour system are taught to crush and cram ice into the glasses so when they pour liquor first it is the part that has less room in the cup thereby filling the cup more and using less juices or soda as the filler. It's not done to be mean or to try to gyp the customer out of a full drink. It also explains why a lot of times your alcohol will all be sitting in the bottom of your glass. Just like a bartender who cuts off someone who is noticeably drunk they could be held accountable if that person goes out and gets into a wreck drunk driving and be fined a very hefty amount like up to $500 dollars in the places I worked and could also lose their liquor license which would cost them their lively hood, not just trying to damper your good time. 
                     Remembering whatever tips fits for your drinking style may just help you have a better time out next time you go out drinking. Have fun just don't forget the people waiting on you are at work, so treat them as you would like to be treated while at your place of business. ;)

So Merry Fat Santa isn't real but...

Okay so the Merry Fat Man known as Santa Claus was invented by Coca Cola in the early 1930s. But to say that means that the man behind it is imaginary and never existed is false! With knowing the true story you can still celebrate his spirit that lives on which is what we did after being too old to believe in Santa Claus. St. Nicholas was a 4th Century Greek Christian Bishop. He was known for giving gifts to the poor, most importantly saving 3 poor girls from going on to having to sell themselves as adults. Traditionally this started in the Netherlands, Belgium, Austria and Germany. The actual day was originally celebrated on the 6th of December which was the day he was given his name. The date was later changed to Dec. 24-25th because Christians wanted to move children away from Saints and towards Christ. In Germany when my mom was a girl they placed their shoes outside their door on Christmas Eve to have them filled with candy rather than the stockings on the fireplace. The Santa Claus of today was taken from several places and put together as one. Odin of the Norse religion is the real Father Christmas, wearing a long white beard, who rode thru the sky with his eight footed steed during Yule visiting his people with gifts. I learned the second part many years later in adulthood but as children when we got to old to believe in this magical Santa who mysteriously got into our homes to deliver gifts when we were good we were explained about St. Nicholas and how we can still celebrate the spirit of giving that he had for his people. It personally for me helped take away the sting of knowing the man we see on tv flying thru the sky was not real. We even made Jesus a birthday cake on some Christmas Eve which we enjoyed too. Spending that time with our mom and what kid wouldn't like birthday cake for Christmas?! ha.. If you took the time to read and possibly learn something new, thank you. Knowing your history can really help in knowing why we do the things we do and remind ourselves of the spirit of Christmas.