Who am I to dream about Jesus?

What could it mean for someone who is not overly religious to have an overly religious dream? Now, this is not a poem.. It is a weird dream I had the other day in the words that came to me as I thought to write it down.
     "Two stripes of glitter on a yellowed wall, I take some and put it across my face.
A woman and her son with browned skin and dark brown hair. They are both very happy looking and smiling. She is standing behind him on stretched out land with warm wind blowing, they are speaking a language I do not know. She is leaning down to his ear and speaking to him, he is grinning and replies. They are dressed in white and brown flowing wardrobe. He lifts his arms out to his sides and she lifts him up.. It looks like he is pretending to fly. I know in my heart and mind that he is Jesus but I don't know why."

I also knew without words that this wasn't a dream about the past but in the present, as if he has been reborn and is in our world today as alive as we are. I had this dream on 11/11/14, it stuck with me hard for some hours after having it so I went on my computer and started researching why 11/11 has been known as a spiritual and good luck numbers.. there were so many different ideas that I didn't come across the same one twice so it didn't do me any good. Still at square one with that idea but I feel it meant something to someone.
     I never talk about or post on my political or religious views because I would hate to fight with someone over something that could only be proven as opinions. Opinions I feel we all have a right too, no matter what they are. I grew up with Christianity, in my family, I have been to churches and listened to preachers and testimony of devout Christians. I think the closest term that could describe me though is agnostic, I have beliefs and I am open minded and I have questioned each belief numerous times. I leave myself open to change there and I won't go into details but I don't think my own "ideas" there match a lot of those I know personally.
     So what does it mean? It could be as simple as, since I am a bit of an avid news reader and seeing the downfall of civilization as far as news shows that I am wishing for a "savior" for all those poor people we read about daily. It could be reading so many FB posts from Christians just led me to dream their own wishes. Maybe it's somewhere in between the two, I can't say for sure. All I know is five days have passed since the dream and even though I have studied dreams and can usually help others figure out why they dreamed what they did and come up with ideas for those meanings I have none for my own. Maybe it's just as simple an explanation as my body was mixed up chemically with my night time meds that it caused a vivid weird dream and that's just it.

Be the Ball

I started off as a bouncing ball.. a tough one like a basketball, filled with air. I got low on air a few times but would fill back up and keep on bouncing thru life.. I thought I might meet another ball like me to bounce thru life with and I tried a few but they would go too slow or too fast or I would notice whenever we tried bouncing together I would start losing air and to preserve what I needed I would have to leave that path and go another. Then I met him.... He changed my medium.. I can't get going with just some simple air, it doesn't work. I no longer bounce or even roll.. I am a lump of grey dough.. I try to shape myself into a ball again but it slips thru my fingers and puddles and lumps together. I no longer need to find a bouncing ball to bounce thru life with to complete my journey.. I need a fire.. A person of fire to go under and around me so as I shape myself, it will stand firm. It would be okay if I never got to bouncing again after I was done.. I wouldn't want to run the risk of cracking under the pressure.. but to ROLL! To be rolling again would feel so great! Rolling hard around my two little bouncing balls. I wouldn't squish them like what was done to me, I wouldn't tell them to not bounce or let their air out to make them go slower. But if any one else tries to do that to my little bouncing balls I would be solid enough to crack them wide open and go around them to stop anyone from running into my two precious bouncing balls.

Understand that Facebook tells all your friends when you tell a lie.

In this new age of technology there is still a lot of learning and understanding to be done by most of us. First off, you should know by now not to write anything down whether it be paper or text things that you wouldn't want someone else to see. Your "private" messages can become public within a click of a button. "White lies" to try and spare someone's feelings almost no longer exist, they can find most of them out within five minutes. You tell on yourselves daily and I most likely have also been on both sides of that fence.
     The old white lies that just don't work anymore, they don't work because for some reason we are in an age where everyone wants to tell everyone else they know.. What they are doing.. Who they are with.. How much fun they are having.. Or How miserable they really are..
We all have more "friends" on our friends lists than we actually talk to or keep up with, it is nice to be able to see what our "old" friends have been up to and how they are doing now. But I must be one of the weird ones in this internet/facebook world, because even though I have over 300 friends if any one of them asked me to hang out, I would. Those that I would have liked to spy on but didn't really like still got the boot. When I am finally done with a person I couldn't care less what was going on in their world. Or if I did like to do any checking up I didn't do it as a fake friend to them. Which as I'm sure you already know, kinda sucks when they have everything set to private, but oh well, the friendship is over so I wouldn't push it.   
     So, I decided to write down what I have noticed people lie about and then turn around and tell on themselves via Facebook. Just because a person doesn't call you out on it, doesn't mean they haven't noticed when you lie to them. People should really stop posting and tell everyone they know every little step you take in your daily life. I purposely leave a lot of things off of my Facebook, that way if someone really wants to know what I have been up to, they are gonna have to get off the computer or smart phone and actually talk to me. Same goes with texting, I am not going to share the same things I would in a real conversation during texts cause that kinda defeats the purpose of being a friend. Think about it and stop living through artificial "sharing" because that makes you a fake friend.
     1. Don't say that you are no longer friends with someone and then hold an entire conversation with them on yours or their Facebook page, your friends can see both now. 
2. Trying to be a "player" in this day and age no longer works either, cause first thing you do when talking to someone is request them as a friend on Facebook. So ladies/guys are going to see exactly who you are talking to and how you talk to them.
3. Saying you have been at home all day or wherever and then posting pictures of somewhere else or just so you know sometimes Facebook will decide to just tell everyone on your friends list what city you are posting from at that time. You have no control over this for the most part.
4. Telling someone you are too busy at the moment to talk or answer your phone and then Facebook will post your latest score on whatever game you were playing instead.
5. This kinda goes with number 1, but posting pictures of you alongside someone you have said you don't hang out with anymore. Caught ya!
6. Using the excuse you don't have any money for going out, paying your child support, paying someone back on a loan or whatever and then posting about something new you just bought. Whether it be pictures or just a text post, it doesn't matter.
7. You would think this one would be an obvious but unless you are one of the very, very few people out there who haven't posted a single picture of yourself and none of your friends have a tagged picture of you, don NOT lie about what you look like!
8. Telling someone that you have stopped one of your bad habits when you haven't, if it hasn't been found out yet Facebook will be sure to tell on you soon enough. I mean things like drinking, smoking.. etc.
9. Here's a kinda obvious one that has happened to me in the past... Someone you know telling you they don't have something of yours and then have a picture posted of themselves with your property in their picture! Like a t-shirt, make up case, shoes and the like.
10. Finally, we know when you are sleeping and when you are not.. thanks to your addiction to Facebook and posting.

Death Penalty

So with the recent execution "fail" in our lovely state I thought I would take a few minutes to state my opinions on the subject and on what happened recently.
     In case you were not aware, here in Oklahoma there was a planned double execution. It would have been the first double execution for our state in around a 100 years. But, they decided to try this new death mixture for the injection and something went wrong with it, so a death that should have been over in 6-12 minutes ended up taking over an hour and included convulsing and the criminal becoming conscious at least 3 times during his death and said a few words each time that couldn't be understood but all that wasn't supposed to happen. This scum finally died of a cardiac arrest. The Doctor that was attending said he believes the mans vein blew so he wasn't getting the full dose of toxins thru his bloodstream causing the death to be considered painful and cruel treatment. So our "pansy" Governor (my opinion) decided to put a 10 day stay of execution to do a full investigation into exactly what went wrong and what changes needed to be made before the other man was put to death.
     These two jerks had already tried suing the state over this new combination of drugs that the state bought from another state to try stating that legally they should receive paperwork stating precisely every chemical and exactly how much would be injected into their bodies upon their deaths. It was overturned by a judge and so the state was given the approval to use the new controversial drugs without showing anyone the list of ingredients that would be in the injections.
     So, What is my opinion on what happened and on the death penalty itself?
It's too bad they hadn't injected both of them at the same time and got it over with and given the families of their victims the justice they deserve. Why do people always put their focus on the criminals and not the victims and their families who have to go on living after what was done to them or in the case of one of these victims, lost their life. I wonder if all these people who are so offended at how this past execution went and are now protesting to stop this second execution even bothered to find out what these two scumbags did in the first place to be sentenced to death row? Let's not forget a jury of these two guys peers who actually saw all the horrifying evidence and had to listen to every detail of the crimes committed and all agreed that these men deserved a death sentence. What exactly were those crimes? Well.... the one who is no longer with us shot a woman and then buried her alive. The piece of shit who is still alive at this moment abused and then murdered an 8 month old baby girl. 
     We could greatly decrease scum like that by just bringing back public executions. I don't care if it's only televised torture though I would prefer bringing back middle of town squares punishments where the public could pay a sum to participate with victims families given a freebie of course. Like pulling the rope free for hangings, the lever for beheadings and so on. And don't forget to include the stocks for lower but still horrible crimes like first time pedophiles. Then everyone could get a good look at the offender face to face instead of having to go on internet searches to make sure one isn't living next door to you or near your kids schools. We should be able to tell those types of people to their faces exactly what we feel about those who commit crimes against our innocents and chuck a rock at their head if you choose. The same punishments would go for this uprising amount of women pedophile offenders too. As it stands now not enough of these sickos have the fear they should of getting caught since we all know a lot of first time offenders get a little slap on the wrist. Going on with their lives after, being free to go many places our children should be safe to be at all times.
     Our country has become far too soft on punishments, therefore all of our innocent have become at risk and it seems we have more criminals walking about than clean morally decent people. The whiny do nothing people in our country keep crying out for answers when those answers have been in our own country's history this whole time. "It's high noon mother f'ers! I'm ready for a showdown!"

The "Passionate Parent" FB Friends

I am guessing as soon as language was formed there have been parents, mainly the mothers debating their parenting styles. Arguing over what is the best way to raise our young, instead of just agreeing that any parent who is actively trying is technically a "good parent." So many things change every few years that being that ideal parent takes a lot of research with no free time to do as much as you would like. People who are well read on a particular subject will use the strongest wordings they can think of to try and persuade others to agree with them. But in all but a handful of topics there is no "black and white" -it's all in shades of grey.
But, intelligent people know that they could always hear or read new info. on topics they thought they already knew everything about that will inherently change their views. And on of the ways people try to get others in rereading on a topic they thought they already understood in the parenting department is by asking people, "Do you really care about your child?" "Do you want your kid to be healthy?" "Do you realize you could be mentally, verbally, or physically abusing your child if you are doing this?" See, stupidly strong wording just to get you to read their opinions and make you feel like you have been screwing up your child thru ignorance on your part. How Rude! Right?
     We obsess on small decisions regarding our children because even though we consciously try to keep our kids healthy in every way, we still worry if we aren't doing something to accidentally mess them up. So here are some of the things I have noticed on my FB timeline from those parents who get really passionate about certain baby and kid topics that they believe only has one way to be right and those who don't follow it are being "bad parents" or ignorantly causing possible harm to their young and need to be educated until the agree with them to change and do it "their way." I know these people, so I know they aren't being pushy or bossy on purpose and they do it cause they really do care to make sure every child they know is safe and that comes first with the parent but how do we know that here in about 2-3 years some new study is gonna come out saying that that particular way was actually wrong or didn't matter. Oops! Our bad guys, we probably should have done a hundred more studies to make sure we were telling you the right way to raise your young before we told you, you were a bad parent if you didn't do it that way. But we got it now! Here's your new "Super Safe Car Seat." We promise we got it right this time! (~ sigh, yah sure, too late now. So glad my children didn't die from the now unsafe carseats they rode in when they we were told something else.~)
     Here we go. ~ The Breast Is Best Mom.~ Yes, We all know that babies have been breastfeeding since women noticed after having a baby that their breasts filled up with a milk like substance. We have found out in more recent history that the babies who got those vitamins from breast milk in the first months of their lives had better immunities against certain viruses and other stuff. But where they make none breast feeding mama's feel like failures. I actually wanted to be a breast feeding Mama, I did try really hard but by the second or third month I just dried up or they were getting more air in their bellies than milk and every Mom knows how fussy an air filled baby can be and no one wants to be the cause of pain for their infant. But the breast passionate Mama's keep saying in all the stuff I have read on how you control your supply. How if you just try harder and pump more in between feedings your supply will increase. That is just not true for all of us! Cause I did it all, and with my younger son I even let him stay attached and switching sides for entire nights! It still just went away and there was nothing I could do but start buying formula.
   ~ Sleep coaching or Bed Sharing Families~ I admit I am a bed sharer! I love cuddling my little ones, I don't feel like they have taken over anything of mine. They were inside me for 9 months, just cause they have been born doesn't mean I have to start pushing them away at infancy. I took precautions when they were babies, I was aware of them being in my bed all night every night. They were put on an infant sleeping pillow that has little soft bumper sides to keep them from rolling and is slightly inclined but not enough they would slide down it. I don't knock parents who keep their kids in a separate room and bed but don't look down on me cause I don't. They have their own room, they have slept many times in their own beds. Actually to tell the truth they used to sleep in their own room for a long time, I started them on their own beds at around a year old and they did very well, especially my youngest who went from snuggling me at night to snuggling his Bubba at night so he has never felt alone. When a person I would obviously never speak to again broke into our home and climbed thru the kids window, knocked their head board down and robbed us of our huge movie collection, my older son has a memory like an elephant and so understandably is just scared of someone coming thru his window at night. I don't feel bad at all for letting them sleep with me now and they are allowed to do it as long as they feel they need me. I only get this time with them once, I want to remember it as the closest years ever.
     A new one to me. ~ The Un-Altering Advocate~  To circumcise your baby boys or not? Women have now been claiming that circumcision is not worth it and that it desensitizes the males penis. But from what I read on it, they are getting their information and studies from adult men who had a circumcision done later in life. Here is where they lose me, I have had both my boys circumcised cause even just five years ago that was the norm to do with your sons. And from my experiences with my sons, my younger son's circumcision came out perfect and besides normal rashes little ones can get he is perfectly healthy in that region with no problems. My older son for some reason got what looks like a half or 2/3rds circumcision, they just didn't get it all. He is almost 6 and gets kinda shy about things so a lot of times it isn't until bath time that I notice he again has another infection. We have had prescription ointment for him pretty much since he was a 1 yr old for flare ups. He is just one prone to rashes and infections though and has a lower immunity system than most kids, I still wonder if he wouldn't be suffering as much if they had just done it right the first time.
     ~ The Anti-discipline or just Spank them Parents~  Do time-outs really work on all kids for everything? Will a spanking teach them hitting is wrong? No one wants their child to start being violent. But does spanking teach violence or respect? If your child won't stop slapping or biting other kids, and you have tried everything else, is it okay to do it back to them just once to show them what it feels like? I have been thru the slapping one with my oldest and sorry to say but the only thing that made him stop was one little slap on his belly where he had been doing it to his best friend at the time who is a kid who runs around in underwear most of the time was the only thing that stopped him from ever doing it again. I don't like spanking my kids, and I do use mostly time-outs but they continue to get in trouble for doing the same things over and over so I am open there to new suggestions to make them stop hurting each other and other children for no reason.

     ~ The Anti-Gun Piercing Parent~ That one is me too. I was with a professional piercer for 5 years who owned his own shop that I worked in at the counter with him for a couple of years so I feel strongly about it. The information is out there so I don't feel it's just opinion here but I know others who do. Places like Claire's reuse that disgusting piercing gun and may wipe it down with an alcohol pad in between clients. Did ya know that alcohol pads do not kill the AIDS, HIV, or Hep Viruses? Cause it doesn't, still seem harmless and safe? When you go to a professional piercer, most of them had to apprentice for 2 yrs before they were left to work on clients by themselves, I went to cosmetology school and the gun piercing was included in the classes, it lasted for maybe a week or two but was only for one hour a day during that time. I spent that time educating my fellow students on how gross and wrong a piercing gun was but some were still so excited that they would get to shoot blunt objects into each others ears so they didn't care. Oh yah, that's the other part, ever hear of a keloid scar? It's one of those nasty thick scars that sit raised on your skin, I and many others got one from getting a cartilage piercing from a gun, I did learn in the class one useful tip. Those guns are only supposed to be used on the soft part of your ear lobe, not the higher cartilage piercings. Those piercing ear rings with the pointy tip that is blasted thru your flesh by a gun cause bruising and scarring, not saying you can't get bruised by a professional needle too but you will heal twice as fast and they also have better healing solutions there to speed up the healing process. If you are considering a new piercing and haven't heard of H2Ocean yet, that is the best stuff ever! When a piercer does the piercing he is most likely (a good shop anyway) using a tri bevel, silicone coated, hollow needle in the gauge of your choice. These are the kinds that dr.s use when they need to get in your skin, remember how it just slid thru easily like a knife thru butter in your skin? Shouldn't your piercing be that smooth and quick too? Just saying.

~ Cloth Diapering Parents. Now I used disposable with both my boys, call me lazy or whatever but it's what I chose. Actually cloth diapering wasn't even a thing with my first and barely there with my second as far as I knew anyway. I do understand why, less in garbage means less in piles around our planet and there are a lot of people trying to share the same spaces so it makes sense. But I am one that has thrown away overly soiled underwear because of how gross they were and that is just on occasion. I couldn't imagine cleaning those dirty soiled things daily and putting them in my washing machine with our regular un pooped on clothing. I get it, but it's not for me.

~ Giving your little ones electronics to keep them quiet or making them earn toys and use their imaginations. A long title there I know but here's the thing. People in general, myself included are just turning into sloths and relying on electronics to entertain us. I know it's eventually going to happen with my boys but I don't have to push it under their noses as soon as they are old enough to push buttons. And yes, they talk sometimes incessantly while we are in waiting rooms and I still don't have electronics ready to shut them up and make them be still. I have let them earn and collect little tiny action heros, the Marvel characters they love and when we get ready to go somewhere I know they will need to sit down at I let them back a small backpack with their little guys and believe me they will entertain the room with their little inventive story lines sometimes. I make sure they don't get too loud with it and aren't in peoples foot paths as much as possible but I look around at all the adults faces too to make sure no one is looking peeved and surprise I see them smiling and some even laughing a little. I really do love how a small child's imagination brightens a persons day and with those timeless characters you can see or they tell me how they remember playing with the same little guys when they were children or when their children were little. Besides, if I am getting along with out all those new electronics then my kids will be just fine without them too.

~ The TV Critic. Hey, I like the idea of my kids learning from the shows they watch as much as the next parent. But you gotta admit, some of those shows and particular characters voices are just plain annoying and start grating on your nerves after awhile. We don't have cable so we watch a lot of DVDs, though after a 3rd robbery of just our movies, the pickings are slim. Luckily this time the one I am pretty positive that is the thief left us our burned movies and a few that were on the tv at the time, mostly cartoons. I admit I let my kids watch some movies though that other parents probably would not. I don't judge the movies by ratings but more on what they are about and there are some movies where when a part comes up that I don't want my kids seeing I skip it. They are movies though that the kids are not allowed to watch without me, so I am still controlling what they see by my own standards. I am mostly talking about "Super hero" movies that may be a little darker than the cheesy family flick ones or not exactly in the comic book movie category but more of just characters with some kind of powers that include some cool graphics. Or movies I know that have some cool looking "fake" characters that I think the boys would enjoy. I never claimed to be Betty Crocker or in new terms a "helicopter parent."

~ The car seat fanatic. We all want our kids to be safe while traveling, well the decent parents do. I used the rear facing seats while they were infants the toddler booster during their toddler years and regular booster seats now that they are bigger. But I admit that I may not have always got the chest piece exactly tight enough or in the specific spot on their chests while in infant seats. I didn't put the toddler seat rear facing and pretty much as soon as they were big enough to turn them around I did. My kids weren't happy in the rear facing seats and if you had a child like my oldest you would understand my reasons. Any time this kid got upset from birth to still occasionally at 6 years old he throws up. I jokingly nicknamed him the "exorcist baby" in his baby years. I admit I just went to our PCP pediatrician's office more than once to try and get them to help us with our baby exorcist issues cause having a baby throwing up lactose free formula daily was horribly gagging and smelly. The pediatrician said he probably had a bad case of acid reflux and the baby seat just helped the acid sit in his chest when he got upset but refused to give us any medicine to get him on to help him. She told us our insurance didn't cover the medication and it was expensive so she wasn't going to bother writing us a script for it. It made us mad but we were new parents and figured if she wouldn't do it then that was the end of that and we just had to deal with it. Though it's probably one of the main reasons that my son's top three teeth on top rotted and broke apart and had to be removed at just 4 years old. We live and learn and I think most of us as first time parents there will be things that what we know now is not what we knew then and if we could go back and change it then we would.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses as parents, and as people and people are going to judge us regardless. I know there are more topics that I could touch on and maybe I will write a part two some day. My point is, you can have your baby topics that you feel strongly about and want to get everyone on board with it but it's not going to happen. I do try my hardest to not judge my parent friends on these things though I know I have wrote posts in the past on the ones I do feel strongly about and may have hurt some feelings. I don't think they are bad parents though, I know we are all trying our hardest to raise our little ladies and gentlemen the  best ways we know. Plus the "experts" are changing what makes us "good parents" every couple of years and it can be hard to keep up with, we just have to remember to keep an open mind and never think you know it all when it comes to raising kids. There will always be something coming up that you thought you knew cause heck! the experts told us it was supposed to be that way and now all of a sudden you will be labeled a "bad" parent for continuing to do and not immediately jump on the "change band wagon." It would probably be so much easier if all of us passionate parents came together to talk on what we know without using judging words which is harder said than done, it's ingrained into our brains when we are researching those topics and the choice wording that is used to make sure you have changed your mind by the time you are done reading it. Share our knowledge and understand we are not always going to agree and that's okay.
    

Sorry, I'm not Sorry.

Throughout my life I have gone through many appearance changes and jobs as I have tried to figure out who I really am, to be comfortable in my own skin like many others have also done. But during some of those times when I was pretty happy with my life and looks it seems that I have been made to apologize just for being me and being looked up to by my younger selves that I occasionally ran into by their parents or guardians. I am a people pleaser by nature, I want people to accept me for how I am, it really is an unhappy way to be. I don't like to look like others and I don't think we should be fitted into these cookie cutter roles, this actually doesn't get any easier with age either like I thought it would. And living in the buckle of the Bible belt really makes it more difficult to be "different" and accepted. So these are just a few times in my life where I kind of apologized for being me but I didn't mean it and I still wonder what happened to some of the people I have met in passing and what kind of people they turned into and how hard their journey has been knowing we are "different" in a state that wants every one to be the same. A bunch of middle class, christian, neutral colored clothing wearing, with average colored hair and styles, and smiling faces.
     The first time this happened that I remember I was 18 years old and a cashier at a new Wal Mart Grocery store in Moore, Oklahoma. In those days we didn't have to wear whole uniforms we all had a green vest to wear over our normal clothes. I was an early 2000s punk, I had twisted jelly bracelets up both arms, huge chunky platform boots and maroon colored hair with pink streaks running through it. I was happy with my looks which was a breakthrough in my life. A day came when a mother and her probably barely a teen daughter came through my line. They were talking about the changes this girl wanted in her own looks and she pointed at me and said, "HER!"" I want that hair, I want to dress different, and how do you do your bracelets like that?" The mother's mouth was hanging open and stuttering, I could tell she was mortified but didn't want to insult me to my face either. I found myself trying to talk myself down to this girl so her mother could be happy without saying it herself and causing any fighting with her daughter in the store. Though I did show her the bracelet trick that I found myself doing a tutorial for in that job with a lot of teens and young adults. The mother smiled as I told the girl how difficult it could be in life and looking for jobs with unnatural colored hair and thanked me as they left. The girl I could tell hadn't given up though and still wanted to do what she wanted and I silently wished her good luck in my mind. Another little me running around in high school in the future, just fine by me. Looks don't make the person.
     Now, fast forward some years and I had finally got to mark learning to bartend off my bucket list. I learned a new more toned down look, for me anyway that my own mother and I both were okay with, I loved my job. Sure I was living in the Bible Belt and my bartending in a Gentlemen's Club is looked down upon by the majority here. But I was really respected at my job, I was making really good money and I had a fun roommate who also worked at the club and cool neighbors we hung out with a lot. I got treated like a little local celebrity cause everyone wants to buddy up with the bartender when they drink and I got visited by real local celebrities and a few bigger ones when they were in town. My mom and stepdad had been working for the same company for some years and he was retiring so there was a party thrown for him. I went to the retirement party at this restaurant and I was seated across from a really nice Christian woman who I had met a few times with my mom. This woman had taken in her nieces and nephews and was raising them and brought them with her to the party. She asked me what I was doing for a job and so I told her, it was obvious she became uneasy with the topic at hand. Her older teen nephews eyes lit up and he started asking me a ton of questions about how awesome it was to be a bartender and how could he get into that line of work when he was old enough and how that was his dream job. So here I was again, she was trying to talk him out of it and asking me leading questions to do the same. Like how the money isn't guaranteed, it's not really a safe environment to work, it's a smoky place with bad ventilation and drunks can be mean and crazy. I wanted to say no, it's good money and I don't do anything illegal or drink while working, the owner there is actually really strict and fires anyone who is caught doing something illegal and it's really fun and I love it. But I held all that in and told whatever negatives I could think of and I got another silent thank you mouthed to me from another "parent." Though after that conversation it just made me feel stressed, a little down and unsure of what I could say, like I was in a test without the answers. I started staring at the bar right off to the side of our seating area. I resisted the temptation to get myself a little mixed drink for my mom, not that I was one of those who get embarrassing when having a drink. But because I was still kinda in my early 20s, at that point hadn't had an alcoholic drink around my mom and I was worried doing that would be disappointing to her. Pretty sure though once I got home I had one of my fav. fruity Jack Daniels malt beverage.
     This instance isn't exactly like the others cause I didn't have anyone actually telling me or acting like I was doing something wrong or being a bad influence, I did have that same feeling however like before. It may have been up to a year later, not sure on the time frame but I was still at the bartending job and still having a good time. Though the family was going through a heartbreaking time, myself included in losing our "rock", my mom's mother and my Grandma. Everyone gathered to our home town for the funeral and to spend a couple days mourning as a family. I drove my own car down and myself along with a lot of the younger generation, my cousins all gathered for the night at my cousin Hollie's house. We stopped at the local liquor store down there and got what we could of what looked good, me being the bartender we were looking to mix a few drinks to wind down. So as we do, some of us had a few drinks, and most of us stayed up way too late into the night talking and sharing stories. Our baby cousin who wasn't a baby anymore was with me for our drives since she had rode down with her parents. It's kinda funny how we really only see each other for family events and we both color our hair frequently and uniquely but many times when we see each other we have similar colors and styles going on. During our time there, the boss I had called to check up on me a few times and asked me what could he do to help me. I said he could help me catch up on a bill and he did and even though we hadn't gone on a date or even talked about it I told my cousin I was going to marry him. I worried though that the lifestyle I was leading would look appealing to her and she would follow in my footsteps or attempt to, I guess after hearing it so much I felt like I shouldn't be a person to look up to. Her parents and my mom had both told me that she did look up to me though, but now it's kind of like I look up to her. She did do a few things in her life that were close to my own attempts of certain accomplishments that I didn't complete for whatever reasons and she did it. I am very proud of that young lady and all she has done with her life.
     Right now it seems like I am at a stand still in my life and I am still trying to figure out exactly where I could fit in and have a happy life. I have my babies though and I am living for them, I may not be a role model now but that doesn't mean that I won't be a good one for someone some day. That all the changes I have been through and difficulties won't some day prove to actually leading me to somewhere wonderful. Where I will hold my head high and not feel the need to apologize to anyone for any part of me.